Punch me

Punch me in the face. That would be better than what I have had to go through today. I went in for my routine 12 week OB visit. My midwife used a little doppler ultrasound to listen to the heartbeat. When she couldn't find it, she assured me this is normal at this point of the pregnancy. Still, we went to the ultrasound room for the "peace of mind". As soon as the ultrasound tech found my uterus, and baby, she turned her head, and gave the midwife this look. I immediately knew something was very wrong. I said: "that's not a good look!".

It really wasn't. They told me that the fetus was dead, and that it had probably been dead for 4-5 weeks! That is a LONG time! After all of the problems in the beginning, then the new hope, and joy of seeing a heartbeat; this is just heartbreaking.

Right now, I am going through waves. I'll be okay for a little while, and then I just break down and cry. It's especially hard when I have to tell someone on the phone, or even when I read an email from someone saying how sorry they are. This is the part where I am sooo happy I only told a select few people about the pregancy. I can't imagine having to tell the whole world what happened. (of course, the whole world can read this after I post it, but that will be several months later)

My midwife gave me 2 options. I can either wait, and see if my body with expel the baby naturally, or get a D and C. If it has taken this long, and can't imagine waiting around to see when/if it will come out. So my midwife is trying to get me scheduled for a D and C on Monday. It will be hard, but I think it will make it easier to feel closure that way.

Luckily, my midwife told me, that I don't have to wait a certain amount of time before trying for pregnancy again. She said that as soon as I have my normal period, things should be good to go. Also, this miscarriage shouldn't mean that my chances for another one go up. I guess the chance of a miscarriage (after medical confirmation of pregnancy), is about 11-25%! It's not until you have 3 miscarriages in a row that they conside you to have a realy "problem". Or as Joe likes to say "a hostile" (think Lost).

Where to go from here? I just need to cry, and cry some more. Then, we need to try to get pregnant again. If/when that happens, I need to TRY not to be an emotional wreck the whole time, fearing the worst. I am just so thankful right now, that I have 3 healthy children. I can't imagine going through this for a first pregnancy.