Monday, June 20, 2011

I feel....

Not sure how to feel.
Excited but scared too.
And skeptical.
Could it really be?
Or will it bring more heartbreak?

There are 2 lines
My heart beats faster
But my mind keeps me in check.
I have to keep my distance.
Don't get attached.
Just pretend I didn't see it.
But I did.
And now I can't think of anything else.

I plan to surprise Joe.
the secret lasts 5 minutes.
I have to share.
But not with the whole world.
it was too painful last time.
and the time before.

But the doctor
She should know.
Because I have questions
Many questions.
Will tests give me answers?
Or just more uncertainty?
I have to try.
it will give me peace.

It's good to write them down.
My feelings that is.
Maybe now they won't occupy my mind.
As much.

If it's still not clear.
I'm "pregnant"
or so the stick says.
I don't think of it that way
Just "late".
That's easier to recover from.

So no reading about the tadpole.
Or it's developments.
I'm not sure I even want to have an ultrasound
And see that heartbeat again.
Just to be crushed later.

But I will call the doctor.
And ask those questions.
And have tests taken.
That's where I stand for now.

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