A small sad discovery.

As I was reading back on my blog about my last pregnancy/miscarriage to see if I had the same fatigue this early, I made a sad discovery. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that when I found out at 12 weeks that the baby had died, they also told met that the baby had been dead for 4-5 weeks. This was probably the hardest part of the whole ordeal for me. So what I found out today, is that I actually DID have some kind of sign as to when the baby died. At 8 weeks I wrote: "The other day I had a cramp similar to the one that preceded the bleeding, and obviously that freaked me out. Luckily nothing bad happened, but I'm always on edge". When I read that tonight, a lightbulb went off. Although I thought at the time that nothing bad had happened, there's a good chance that that was the exact moment when my baby did die. This is a sad and yet comforting discovery. Mainly because I now know that there was a sign, and not to worry so much now that my baby could die again without me noticing.

On the pregnancy front I am mostly amazed by how quickly I have started to get some of the classic symptoms. Fatigue, dizziness, and change of figure, all seem to have come on strong right at 6 weeks. Luckily I still don't have morning sickness (same as all my previous pregnancies) I've been feeling so worn down, that for a week now I haven't been able to drag myself to the gym. That might not seem like a very long time, but when you're used to working out 4-5 times a week, a week seems like an eternity. Not going, also creates a downward spiral. I'm too tired to go, so I don't. Then I get more tired, and less motivated, and the next time it's even harder to go. Plus, by being so fatigued from doing normal tasks such as grocery shopping, you start to believe that you won't survive a whole hour of intense exercise. Tonight I told Joe to order me to the gym, and am so glad to say that it was fine. I didn't faint. I didn't fall over from fatigue. I actually felt good for the first time in days!

RSM parties

RSM (Rotterdam school of Management), where Joe is getting his MBA, has a lot of students who are very social. Most are younger than Joe, and only a few have spouses, and even fewer have kids. Our kids are the oldest by far. They all love to party, and sometimes I tag along. A few weeks ago we celebrated Chinese New Years. While my dad babysat, I took the bus down to Rotterdam. It took about 90 minutes, but in a way was very relaxing to just zone out. No kids to worry about, no traffic to watch out for. I only had to make sure to get off at the right stops, and make the right connections.

There were fun Chinese games, interesting food, and of course...... a lot of beer. I'm surprised at how "obsessed" a lot of these students are with beer. They even have beer appreciation activities. Just goes to show how far off the main stream we really are!

The reason I took 4 different buses down to Rotterdam, is that in my crazy mind I thought it would be fun to ride back home on the back of Joe's brommer. It only took about 5 minutes on a hard cargo rack, with my hands freezing off, and my back aching, to realize it wasn't fun at all, but more accurately described as stupidity. Really, 45 minutes on the back of a brommer without gloves in 30 degree weather is just not the smartest idea I've come up with. I'm not saying I won't do it again, but I will say I will never do it again in the middle of winter!

This is one of the coolest tunnel I've ever seen, so even though all I wanted was to get home, I HAD to take the opportunity to take this picture real quick. Joe gets to ride through it every day on his way home from school.

Friday there was another RSM party, this time an International Food Festival. We were commissioned to make Clam Chowder for the USA. Other USA foods that were represented were: mac & cheese, PB&J sandwiches, hot wings, hamburgers, and corn dogs. The food from all the different countries was so interesting and mostly good. Only a few items had me running for some bread to mask the taste. Now if only I could get all the recipes from the stuff I liked! As I was representing the USA, I felt it was only appropriate to wear my most American outfit: cowboy boots with a plaid shirt!

V day

Joe and I have never really celebrated V-day in a big way. Overpriced roses, and overcrowded restaurants just aren't our thing. Not knowing what time Joe would get home tonight, I thought I'd still celebrate with the kids by candle-lit dinner. Shortly after we finished, Joe did come home, but after eating quickly, retreated to bed, sick!

Could you wait?

It's has been haunting me for a few days now. Why is it, that when you are trying to get pregnant, all you can think about the last week before your next period, is that test. All you ladies who have ever tried to get pregnant know exactly what I am talking about. It's that overpriced, highly emotional test. If it's negative, there is disappointment in yourself for wasting the money, and anger towards the test for not showing that extra little line. It's the one that can make your whole body tremble.

So I went to the store, and thought I would just buy the test, and then maybe wait a few days to take it. Who was I kidding? I took it the very next day (this morning) and am very excited to report a BFP (big fat positive)

That's right, I chose the absolute worst time to have a baby, home alone a lot, with a car that doesn't fit our whole family. But still I'm super excited, and know it IS the right time.

The due date should be somewhere around October 15th, assuming nothing goes wrong. This does play a part in my head, since my last pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I am determined to think happy thoughts, and look forward to 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes in the fall.

Young Women

I just got called as a counselor in the Young Women's. This is something I've looked forward to doing for years now, but it's also scary. These young (12 year old) ladies have some crucial years ahead of them. The next few years will most likely determine whether they follow the masses in high school, or if they build their testimonies and become strong examples. That's a lot of responsibility to have! We had our first activity tonight, making little spiritual valentines for the ward. The YW president is so amazing in how she speaks to these girls. I truly hope and pray to know the right words to say at the right time.

Since Joe was still at school (as always), the kids had to come with me. It was fun to watch Winter ride her bike, and do some of the same silly things I did as a kid. Ride without hands. Pretend to be running or flying while biking. Sit on the baggage carrier on the back of the bike. Sterling is also slowly gaining confidence with his riding. Just a few days ago I convinced him, he COULD ride with one hand only. After showing how to practice, that's all he has done since.

Carlo had vacation, so he made the trip out west. It was really fun to see him again, and to spend some more time with him. We drove down to the zoo in Rotterdam, and just let the kids set the pace. It's so easy to always tell them what else is cool, or to hurry, or go slower. I really made it a point to go with their flow. If they wanted to spend 30 minutes in the bat cave, fine!

Don't blow away

Saturdays can be a challenge for me. It's the one day the kids are home, so of course I want to do something fun with them. And it's also the only that that Joe is home, and studying. Instinctively it's also a day that I want to do something out of the ordinary and fun.

Today I started off with going to the gym for zumba. Except zumba was cancelled, so I did spinning instead. I usually like spinning classes, but here in Holland I spend so much time on my bike already, that biking for another hour just doesn't sound too appealing. These last days have been especially challenging on the bike. There have been constant 35 mile/hour winds that just blow you over. When it's a headwind, you might as well stand up on the pedals, and still only go as fast as a pedestrian. When it unsuspectedly comes from the side, you might get blown into the sidewalk, or worse, the canal. You also have to keep your head down to keep your hat from flying off your head.

After my workout, we had lunch together as a family. Just sandwiches, but it's so fun for me. All the different varieties of toppings. 6 types of cheeses, several kinds of meats, and about 10 types of sweet toppings.

This afternoon my dad took us to the petting zoo down the street. It made me miss our little farm, especially my beloved chickens!

Landlady

Today I will meet my land lady for the first time. I've been a little stressed about getting the house clean, although I can't figure out why I am trying to impress this lady. We already paid the rent, plus it's not like she would kick us out of the house for being a little bit messy. Nontheless, I spend a few minutes in the girls' room this morning, chucking all of their personal (and discarded on the floor) items, into their closet, with a stern warning that they are NEVER allowed to clean their own room in such a manner. Do as I say, not as I do! As I am finishing up the clean up, I start stressing on how to address her. Will I need to say "u" (a formal form of you), or can we be on familiar terms and call each other "jij" ? Another worry: when we made the appointment for her to come and meet me, she said: I'll come at 10am, around coffee time, so we'll just have a cup together. Should I have told her right then that we don't drink coffee? Well, I didn't, so I guess now I have to deal with it today. I can offer her juice or tea, and if she asks for coffee, I guess I can tell her we don't drink that. And from there... I'm probably just overreacting. All of a sudden I thought of another typical Dutch thing to do, which is offering your guest something yummy to eat with the coffee/tea. Like breakfast cake, or a special kind of cookie. Should I run to the store and grab some? How many different kinds? But then I just have to put myself back into check, and ask: why am I trying to impress this lady? You would think she expects me to get it all wrong, since we came from the USA!